Did you know that the style of attachment that a child experiences with a parent/primary caregiver, especially in the early years, influences the child’s future intimate relationships in adulthood?
Attachment Theory
John Bowlby suggested that a strong emotional and physical attachment to at least one primary caregiver is essential for our personal development, and that our earliest attachments can leave a lasting legacy on our lives. Research on adult attachment suggests that the same motivational system that leads to the close emotional bond between parents and their children is responsible for the bond that develops between adults in emotionally intimate relationships.
Three Types of Children
According to research on attachment, at least three types of children exist. The first group are secure in their relationship with their parents – these children become upset when the parent leaves, but when the parent returns, they actively seek the parent and are easily comforted by the parent. A second group (about 20% or less) called anxious-resistant become extremely distressed upon separation. When reunited with their parents, these children struggle to be soothed and commonly show ambivalent behaviours that suggest they want to be comforted, but that they also want to "punish" the parent for leaving. The third pattern of attachment is called avoidant (about 20%) where these children don't appear to be too distressed by the separation, and, upon reunion, actively avoid seeking contact with their parent.
Fast Forward to Adulthood
Research has suggested that adults who are secure in their romantic relationships are more likely to recall their childhood relationships with parents as being affectionate, caring and accepting, viewing their parents as having been responsive to their childhood needs. Adults who seek committed relationships tend to list responsive caregiving qualities, such as attentiveness, warmth, and sensitivity, as the most "attractive" and secure qualities in potential dating partners. Despite this however, not all adults are paired with secure partners. Children who appear insecure (anxious-resistant or avoidant) often have parents who are insensitive to their needs, or inconsistent or rejecting in the care they provide. Some evidence sadly suggests that such people may end up in relationships with partners who confirm their existing and distorted beliefs about attachment relationships.
An Encouragement to You, the Parent
Check in with yourself from time to time and ask yourself the following question:
Am I as the attachment figure nearby, accessible, and attentive to my child?
Also let the principles of attachment theory guide you: ensure that your child is HELD (Hold, Empathy, Love and Dignity) - hold your child, show empathy and love, and treat your child with dignity and respect. You’ll be doing your future adult and son/daughter-in-law a huge service!
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